My Sword Is Gay
by DAoG
Summary: Ichigo's trying to get some sleep and all he gets are problems, problems, problems. Will he be able to solve the troubles of his nighttime visitor, or will it explode comedicly in his face? I'm hoping the latter, personally. Swearing, suggestive language.


A/N: Just so you know, I'm boning continuity up the ass, and hard. I swear it's worth it.

To clarify, I'm using the time line that I remember, which most likely has some errors in it. At several points while writing this, I thought to myself, "Wait... had that happened yet?" And instead of going and looking up how long it was between events, or if X happened before Y, I said "To hell with it!" and kept going. It's a minor detail that shouldn't disrupt the story, but the perfectionist in me thought that I should warn you at the very least. Consider yourself warned.

Oh, and speaking of warnings, if you can't tell from the title, there's going to be some gay floating around. There's no sex, hell, there's no _pairings_ at all, but there is still a LOT of gay. If this isn't your thing, whatever. But seriously, why did you click this then?

Oh, and before I forget this, I don't own _Bleach_, yada yada yada. There. Ass covered.

* * *

The night was quiet and peaceful at last, and all Ichigo wanted to do was sleep. He'd finally be able to get some now that there were so many shinigami in town, and capable ones too. Let them keep an eye out for arrancar; right now, he deserved some rest and that's what was going to happen.

An odd hum filled the room and Ichigo sat up immediately. He'd only heard that hum once before, and that was when those two arrancar were leaving after laying everyone to waste. A split in space and they were gone…

A seam snaked its way across the wall and gaped open, revealing inky black void and a slender figure dressed in white. Ichigo recognized him right away: one of the duo that appeared in that playground. The smaller of the two, the one that deflected Urahara's attack bare handed. The one who tore off the other's arm like it was nothing.

The strongest arrancar that had shown itself had appeared in his bedroom.

The arrancar's reiatsu was tightly leashed, almost undetectable, as he stepped into the room. His green eyes swept the room once before locking onto Ichigo.

The hole closed, and then there was silence.

Ichigo's mind was racing. The arrancar's face was as expressionless as it had been the last time and his stance was passive, but that meant nothing. His expression had been blank when he tore that large arrancar's arm off. _Yammi_, he remembered. _And this was…_

"Ulquiorra." Ichigo's voice was firm, but his heart was racing.

"I'm surprised trash like you would remember my name." The arrancar's voice was as blank as his face.

Ichigo contemplated reaching for his shinigami badge but doubted that he could reach it before Ulquiorra shunpoed over. _Sonido_, he corrected himself before he could stop. _It's called sonido._

Ulquiorra shut his eyes for a moment and let out a small sigh. "I apologize for the antagonistic remark, Kurosaki Ichigo. It was out before I could stop it."

Before Ichigo could do anything other than stare, Ulquiorra continued. "It is impolite to insult someone you are about to ask for help."

"Help?" Ichigo managed out.

"Yes. I have observed that you have experience dealing with a you-who-is-not-you. I am in need of that expertise."

This statement did nothing to dissuade Ichigo's blatant staring. "Me-who-is-not-me."

"Yes." Ulquiorra's brow furrowed slightly. "Grimmjow also told me of his observations. Must you repeat everything I say? I find it to be annoying."

Ichigo scowled. "I tend to get annoying when people who tried to kill me show up in my bedroom in the middle of the night being mysterious for no good reason."

"Sarcasm," Ulquiorra observed. "Possibly a defensive measure. You have no need to be defensive. I am not here on orders to kill you. Or maim you," he added.

"Then what orders are you here under?" Ichigo crossed his arms. This was getting frustrating fast.

Ulquiorra's gaze left Ichigo's for a moment before he stated, "I am not here under orders. I came here for your help on my own."

Ichigo let out a low whistle. "Aizen's gonna be pissed when he finds out."

"The matter is of enough importance that I am willing to risk it."

"And why should I help you? You tried to kill me and my friends."

"Because you are compassionate." Ulquiorra's eyes were stern, but there was something else there. Ichigo had no time to focus on it before it was gone. "You will not turn someone away who is in need."

Just enough tension filtered between them to cause Ichigo's shoulders to tense, and, to his surprise, Ulquiorra's as well. _He's got a lot riding on this, doesn't he?_ Groaning, Ichigo unfolded his arms and said, "A me-who-is-not-me, right?"

The tension left Ulquiorra's shoulders. "Yes. You have experience dealing with them. I am in need of advice."

Ichigo raised an eyebrow. "What kind do you need help with? You can't have an inner hollow, and as far as I know, arrancar zanpakutou don't have spirits." He eyed the sword tucked into Ulquiorra's obi.

"They are not supposed to." Ulquiorra's gaze wandered off of Ichigo's for another moment.

"Right. So what are you having…" A pause. "What do you mean 'not supposed to'?"

"It seems," Ulquiorra said slowly, "that my zanpakutou has somehow gained a spirit. I need help quelling him. He is becoming a distraction."

Staring once again, Ichigo managed out, "A distraction? How so?"

Without warning, clawed black hands reached out and wrapped themselves around Ichigo in an awkward hug. He felt a body behind him and a head snuggled into the space above his shoulder. "Kurosaki Ichigo~!" rang a voice beside his ear. "It's been so loooong~!"

"It has only been a few days." Ulquiorra's voice was colored with scorn.

"That's a long time, Ulqui," pouted the one trapping Ichigo in a squeezing hug. "Especially to be kept from such a cutie. And his sword… mm!"

"You're suffocating me," Ichigo wheezed.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, honey!" The arms let go immediately. "I'll give you your space." The body behind him left as suddenly as it had appeared, and a figure moved with grace from his bed to beside Ulquiorra. The man stood as tall as Uquiorra, with the same pale skin, the same jet black hair, the same slender body. And that's where the similarities stopped. The man had yellow eyes with green sclera with black markings streaking down his cheeks, similar in placement to Ulquiorra's markings. Two horns arced back in a way that was reminiscent of the horn on Ulquiorra's half helmet. His hair was longer, brushing his shoulders, and the Chain of Fate hole was dead center in his chest with a mark that looked like ink streaming down from it. Black claws adorned his feet as well as his hands. A thin tail curved behind him, and large bat-like wings were folded neatly.

A grin stretched black and white lips. "Your eyes are gonna fall out if you stare this much, hon." While Ulquiorra gave a faint sigh, the man turned his attention from Ichigo to Ichigo's room. "This is such a cozy little space you have here! See, Ulqui? This is niiiice!" He turned back to the two of them. "It's masculine, it's down played, but it has personality! Unlike that white train wreak that you call your room. Why are you so afraid of color? Honesty, just a nice turquoise would go great with your eyes. Kurosaki Ichigo, I swear every time I wake up, it's like I've been abducted by aliens! Nothing but bright white! It's terrible!" Before Ichigo could comment, the man continued as if he wasn't actually talking to them. "Oh! You have a guitar! Are you a musician? Oo, I love a man with talent! And look at the little lion! Someone's not to old for stuffed animals. ULQUI. He's such a brute! He threw out my bunny! Do you know how hard it is to get stuffed animals in Heuco Mundo? I don't think you do." He slid back the door to Ichigo's closet and peered inside.

"You see my dilemma." Ulquiorra followed the man with his gaze, contempt narrowing his eyes.

"He certainly is, uh, out there." Ichigo tried his best to not stare.

"It seems," said Ulquiorra, to himself more than Ichigo, "that my sword is gay."

Ichigo's face flushed at the comment, and he tried even harder to not stare at the man examining his closet. _How are you supposed to respond to something like that?_

The man drew his head from the closet and made a disapproving noise. "You're just jealous that I'm comfortable with who I am."

"You are not supposed to be comfortable with who you are, Murcielago. You are not supposed have a spirit."

Murcielago huffed, almost pouting. "How many times do I have to tell you to call me Marcie?"

"And how many times do I have to inform you that I will not call you that?"

Ichigo cleared his throat. "Right. So, what exactly is the problem?"

"He's got so many problems, hon. It'll take all night."

Ulquiorra ignored him and turned to Ichigo. "How do shinigami deal with their swords' spirits?"

Ichigo scratched his head, trying to buy time. "Uh, well, I dunno about regular shinigami, but Zangetsu doesn't really say anything unless it's important."

Ulquiorra made a soft sound of annoyance. "Perhaps shinigami do not have spirits like this. I cannot imagine them getting any work done if they did."

"Oh. My. God. Are you having an emotion?" asked Murcielago, putting a clawed hand to his mouth.

Ulquiorra didn't respond, but disdain filled the glare that he gave Murcielago.

"Oh, honey, it's such a step forward!" Murcielago rushed forward and drew Ulquiorra into a tight hug. "A baby step, but still a step~! I'm so _proud_ of you!"

"If you're gonna try and kill 'im, could you do it outside? I kinda like all my stuff."

"Oh hush, Kurosaki Ichigo. Don't take this moment from him." Murcielago huffed.

Glancing at Ichigo, Ulquiorra stated, "And killing him does not work. I have already tried." He made a strangled noise as Murcielago squeezed him harder.

"Don't say things like that!" Murcielago pouted. "Even if they _are_ true! You'll hurt my feelings!"

"Yeah, Ulqui," laughed Ichigo. "Don't be such a brute."

The air in the room practically crackled with the sudden escape of some of Ulquiorra's reiatsu. Ichigo flinched, eyes wide. While Ulquiorra's facial expression hadn't actually changed, there was now a murderous intent that wasn't there before. _He's reaching the end of his patience, _Ichigo realized belatedly. He'd forgotten he was dealing with an arrancar, a hollow. He was reasonably sure that hollow get violent when frustrated, and here he was, pissing off the strongest one. _Good going, Kurosaki._

"Do not test my patience, Kurosaki Ichigo." Ulquiorra conveyed the unspoken threat remarkably well despite his monotonic voice.

"Whoa, whoa, easy there." Ichigo gave a nervous chuckle, more for himself than for Ulquiorra. "You came here for help, right? I can't help you if you kill me."

"I did not say that I would kill you," he replied, threat still real in his eyes. He leashed his errant reiatsu, however.

Ichigo gave a glare over to Murcielago, blaming him as much as himself for this. The spirit hunched, spelling out his guilt with his body as he let go of Ulquiorra and back away. "Sorry," he muttered, quiet out of regret rather than a lack of sincerity. He backed up to the opposite wall, looking every bit a kicked puppy.

Ulquiorra ignored him. Ichigo didn't get such a luxury.

Sighing loudly and cursing whatever thought this was funny enough to inflict on him, Ichigo rubbed his forehead, trying to think his way out of this one. His mind drifted for a moment to Ishida, believing him better equipped for such a task. Hell, practically everyone else he knew would be better at this kind of thing! How did he end up a therapist to an arrancar and his zanpakutou's spirit?

"Look," he started, hoping that following his instincts would at least help. "You two need to start getting along. It's the only way you're going to make this work."

Ichigo could have sworn that the mere narrowing of Ulquiorra's eyes dropped the room's temperature by quite a few degrees. "You insult my intelligence, Kurosaki Ichigo."

"So, you already tried talking to him, then?" A brief nod of Ulquiorra's head answered Ichigo's question.

"Talked?" scoffed Murcielago. While the zanpakutou still retained the hurt look in his eyes, he had a resoluteness that somewhat reminded Ichigo of a certain arrancar. "More like _demanded_. I wasn't even awake for _ten minutes_ before he starts on with his 'you are not to disturb me' routine." Ichigo struggled to suppress a laugh at his spot-on imitation of Ulquiorra.

"You are disruptive, and I have many duties to perform. I do not need additional problems and distractions."

"I'm not some fraccion for you to ignore, Ulqui! I'm a part of you, and I'm not going to be buried like everything else you don't like about yourself!" Murcielago's tail thumped against the floor, punctuating his frustration.

"Do not assume that just because you are the spirit of my zanpakutou that you know more about me than I do."

"I might not know more than you," Murcielago's eyes narrowed, "but I sure as hell know what I'm talking about."

Ichigo could feel the sweat on his brow. "Uh, guys...?"

Ulquiorra turned to face Murcielago, ignoring Ichigo completely. "You will remember your place, zanpakutou. You are a tool for me to use, not to listen to as it prattles on about things it does not understand." He placed a hand on the hilt of his sword as emphasis.

"You realize this isn't helping anything, right?"

Murcielago's lips tightened into a hard line, and his brow wrinkled in frustration. He, too, ignored Ichigo. "If it wasn't for me," he sassed, "you'd still be wandering around the wasteland, trying to fill that void in your chest. Without me, you'd be _nothing_."

"It is because I had strength that you exist, not the other way around. You are nothing without me." Ulquiorra raised a hand and pointed at Murcielago.

"You are getting on my _last_ nerve. I'll just have to show you what this 'nothing' can do." Murcielago raised his hand in a clawed mimicry of Ulquiorra's pose.

A pillow _thupped_ as it collided with Ulquiorra's face. As it fell away, it revealed the almost confused expression that the arrancar now wore. He turned to the substitute shinigami, who sat on his bed, fuming. "Kurosa-"

"You do realize how stupid this is, right?" Ichigo interrupted. "You've come to the house of your enemy to get help getting along with yourself. You criticize yourself, degrade into calling yourself names, and then get into an argument with, I remind you again, _yourself_. The argument intensifies to the point where you're ready to get into a _fight to the death_ with yourself to _prove which one is stronger_. Am I the only one that sees a problem with this?"

The two he was addressing both lowered their hands in near-unison, and stared at Ichigo. "Kurosaki Ichigo," Ulquiorra started again, "he is not-"

"Oh, knock it off," Ichigo interrupted again. "He's not you exactly, but it's close enough. He's a part of you. You've... you've..." He struggled to find an appropriate metaphor. "You've been arguing with your arm. That's what this is like. He's a part of you, and you're a part of him."

Murcielago whined. "But he's so-"

"No," Ichigo shook his head. "I'm not going to sit here at way-too-early in the morning to listen to anyone argue with his arm. Or," he continued, cutting off Murcielago with a gesture, "his arm argue back."

There was a moment of silent staring before Ulquiorra tried talking again. "It is imperative that you-"

Ichigo groaned. "Don't you understand? Nothing I say is going to help solve anything because neither of you will listen. I'm tired, and I have school tomorrow. If you would be so kind as to get the hell out?" He pointed at the wall where the seam had appeared, bringing the problem here in the first place.

Ulquiorra stared at Ichigo for a few more moments, as if waiting to see if he changed his mind. When neither his scowl nor his pointing shifted, Ulquiorra turned from him and opened a seam with a snap of his fingers. The cracks formed and split, revealing the void that he stepped into. Turning back to face the room, he pointed at the ground next to him. "Murcielago," he commanded, as if to a dog.

A disheartened Murcielago gave a soft whine and followed the arrancar's direction, giving Ichigo one last forlorn look as he passed. How such a creature was able to tug at his heartstrings, Ichigo would never be able to tell, but a lack of sleep and a night of frustration hardened his heart against the look.

As Murcielago took his place next to Ulquiorra, he spoke softly. "How nicely do I have to ask-"

"No," Ulquiorra cut him off sharply, clearly in no mood to discuss the matter again.

As the tear in space closed, Murcielago gave one last sad wave to Ichigo. If he was at all awake, pity might have caused him to return it.

The seam closed with a hum.

Silence.

Ichigo let out the groan he had been holding in and ran his hands over his face a couple of times. If this is what dealing with arrancar was like, he almost felt bad for Aizen. No, scratch that. That bastard deserved the headache.

He stood and went over to his desk and picked up the toy lion. Clenching it fiercely in his fist, he growled, "I don't know whether to hug you for not interfering and messing this up any more than it already got, or to kill you for leaving me out there on my own."

The toy let out a nervous chuckle and started to move. "Uh, would you believe me if I said I was asleep?" Kon asked, hesitant.

"Not in the slightest."

"Oh, but Ichigo, you did great!" Kon wriggled out of the grip and stood on the desk, gesturing wildly with his paws. "I hate to say it, but there was nothing that the Great Kon-sama could have added! I was just giving you the spotlight! Honest!"

Ichigo glared. "You get off the hook just this once. I'm too tired to deal with your bullshit."

He could have sworn there were tears coming from the toy's eyes. "Oh, thank you, merciful Ichigo! I-"

"Save it." Ichigo brushed off his words with a gesture as he headed back to bed. "Show your gratitude by shutting the hell up."

"Oh, that I can definitely do! Oh, you'll be so impressed! I'll-"

"Kon?" Ichigo glared at the lion. "Yuzu. Dresses. Don't think I won't."

As the substitute shinigami flopped back into bed in the quiet that now permeated his room, he couldn't help but let his last conscious thoughts wander off to Ulquiorra, Murcielago, and what they were getting themselves into back in Heuco Mundo. Whatever it was, it was probably hilarious.

Ichigo drifted off with a smile on his lips.

* * *

In a dark room, in another plane of existence, a seam split a white wall and gaped open.

Ulquiorra stepped out of the Garganta and into his room. Las Noches was as quiet as it had been when he had left. It seemed his absence had gone unnoticed.

The silence was broken by the light clicking of claws on tile as Murcielago exited the rip in space. He huffed, arms crossed, clearly irritated by Ulquiorra. Somehow, during the journey home, his mood had switched from pouting to peeved.

"Seriously, Ulqui," the spirit started, his lowered voice not losing any of its dramatic tones, "if you messed this up for me, you'll never hear the end of it."

"And what is it that I have 'messed up,' as you put it?"

"My friendship with Kurosaki Ichigo and Zangetsu!" Murcielago groaned. "I'm so _embarrassed_, I could die! You ruined it, Ulqui! What am I supposed to _say_ next time?"

Ulquiorra sighed and turned from the zanpakutou, busying himself with getting ready to sleep. "If I return to the World of the Living, it will not be as a social visit."

Murcielago whined. "Oh, and now I can't even fix it! You are _such_ a brute! It's like I'm not even allowed to have friends! Ugh, I can't even stand it!"

"Aizen-sama will not be pleased if I cannot accomplish my tasks tomorrow because I have not gotten enough sleep." He gave Murcielago a pointed look as he climbed into bed.

"Fine," Murcielago said with an air of determination. "I'll just have to make new friends."

Ulquiorra rolled over onto his side, his back to his annoyed zanpakuto spirit. He had no time to deal with this tonight. Tomorrow, there will be more time. Tomorrow.

He drifted off to sleep, a slight frown on his lips.

* * *

A/N: I hope you enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing this, which is waaaay more than I should have. Credit goes to my beta, who came up with Murcielago's personality and helped with some of his lines, because I wouldn't have written this if he hadn't sparked it in the first place.

This is a continuing piece, as Marcie is just too much fun to write him only in a one-shot. If you have any ideas, feel free to leave them in the comments, but be warned: I have ideas of where I want this to head, so your ideas might not make the cut. Oh, and leave honest opinions in the comments. While I'm writing this for me, I'm sharing this with you, so your opinions do matter. What did you like about it? What can I do better? What should never, ever happen again? Please tell me so I can improve!

Speaking of awkward transitions, I'm not going to be updating this on any sort of regular basis; my life just won't allow for that kind of thing. Sorry if that's disappointing, but that's the best I can offer. I'm also working on other projects, so look for them in the future! Alright, alright, the shameful plug is over with. Geez, settle down.

Thanks again for taking the time to read this, and, if it applies, reviewing it.

~DaoG


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